


Spalunk-A-Dunk

by PeachyAenne



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Adorable, Adventure & Romance, Butts, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, Humor, M/M, Male Slash, Smut, omgthisiscrazy, spalunking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-25
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-03-03 09:36:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2846333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeachyAenne/pseuds/PeachyAenne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been a long day, and Varric decides to visit Cullen for a fun adventure through Skyhold's secret passageways. Who knows what they'll find!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spalunk-A-Dunk

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for a couple of my dear friends. It all started out as a lovely cosplay joke and then morphed into what it is now. 
> 
> Also, this fic to be preformed at ECCC.

“Damnit!” Cullen slammed down his fists in frustration. It had been a long night, too long of a night, in fact. He had been working diligently by candlelight in his quarters, and the candles themselves burned low. Since the Inquisition began, he had been trying to negotiate terms with a few of his old Kirkwall companions. And the news he now had crumpled between his fingers was not the answer he was hoping for. His frustration turned into hopelessness as he held his head in his hands. “How could they be so disillusioned?” 

His golden eyes wandered the room, hoping to find anything else to concentrate on besides his current dismay. Nothing. Save the big stack of papers on his desk. “Ughh...” He moaned, as he leaned back in his chair. Cullen knew he was doomed to another sleepless night. 

After a moment of defeat, he reluctantly straightened himself upright and took the quill in his fingertips. He began scribbling a response. It couldn’t have been more than a few passing minutes when Cullen heard a creak. Not the normal groan of the doors opening and closing, day in and day out, but the scraping of stone on stone. 

“Hard at work, I see.” A familiar voice crept into the room. 

“Varric?” Cullen turned around. There he was. Varric stood in front of his fireplace. Both doors were completely shut, and Cullen could have sworn he locked the pair of them. He was trying to avoid a certain dwarf, but somehow he snuck in anyway. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see Varric, the opposite was true quite really. However, with work and the Inquisition it had been a long time since they crossed paths. Cullen was feeling guilty.

Varric answered with a slight bow of his head and a feigned curtsy. “You wouldn’t believe how many secret passageways Skyhold has.”

“Oh?” Cullen raised a brow, only half interested in what the dwarf had to say. Cullen already knew Varric was up to no good. Whenever Varric was around, Cullen was, in some way, getting in trouble for it. He turned his head back to the parchment and continued to put the words down. 

Varric frowned, and walked towards the commander. “This place is hundreds, if not thousands of years old, Curly. Do you really think they didn’t plan any secret corridors to transport them from one end to the other. What of the danger the previous inhabitants must have encountered? I suspect many scandalous affairs have happened between these stones.” When he ended his musing, Varric had placed himself in the chair directly across from Cullen’s desk.

“Why don’t you write a book about it.” Cullen said, a slight grate in his voice, his head still buried in the paper. “And, please, stop calling me Curly.”

Varric took a hand over his heart in a fake hurt. “You wound me, Curly.” A laugh escaped his throat. 

“Just give me the chance, and I can make it so.” Cullen growled, lifting his golden eyes to match Varric’s. 

“A threat from you, Curly, is like a baby halla mewling for it’s mother.” Varric teased. He could never back down a quality harassment on Cullen’s expense. He loved tormenting him so. 

Cullens hands had turned to fists. “I told you to stop calling me Curly!” He grabbed the nearest candle and flung it towards Varric. He wasn’t aiming to hit him, he just wanted it as the continued threat. 

Varric easily dodged the projectile. “Would you rather I call you the other pet name I have for you?”

Cullen’s cheeks flushed a bright red, as he glared at the dwarf sitting across from him. “Y-you w-wouldn’t.”

“I’m sure everyone wouldn’t mind learning that Varric, the amazingly handsome rogue and dapper story teller calls the Commander of the Inquisition Forces his little--”

Cullen cut him off. “That’s enough, Varric!”

Varric let out a hearty chuckle as he stood up from the chair. “Come now, Cullen.” His voice softened. “You’ve been working for days non stop. You’ve locked yourself in your little tower for too long. I’ve barely seen you and the bed is growing cold.”

Cullen sighed. “It’s not that easy Varric. I need to make sure we don’t fail. It’s up to me to see that through. The Inquisition needs me.”

“I need you.” Varric smiled warmly. 

“I know, I know.” Cullen shook his head. “I admit. I’ve been working too much and much too hard.” Cullen knew it wasn’t easy on Varric to be constantly ignored. Cullen’s responsibilities came first, before himself, before anyone. He tried his best to escape the Inquisition in his mind, but instead he covered up his sorrows with wax-sealed paperwork and training. 

Varric walked back over to Cullen’s fireplace and started knocking on individual stones within the wall. He put his ears up to the rocks, listening intently. 

“What are you doing?” Cullen laughed at his companion. He’d seen Varric do many a ridiculous thing since they became friends, but this topped them all. “Are you using your natural dwarven affinity to the rock? Are the stone walls telling you their secrets?”

Varric ignored Cullen’s goading. “How about we go on an adventure, Curly? You and I. In a secret passageway that no one even knows about.” 

Tempting, Cullen thought. The two of them completely alone together. In the dark. With no one stopping them. The thrill of adventure excited Cullen. This was exactly the distraction he was looking for. Cullen’s lips parted slightly as he smirked back at Varric. He grabbed his feather cloak, wrapping it around himself and stood up. 

Varric knocked once more on the cold stone. “Aha! That’s the one.” He pushed at the rock with all his strength. Eventually, Varric had depressed the stone far enough into the wall that a part of wall sprung open. Varric grabbed a candle from one of the nearby bookcases and stretched an arm into the secret passage. “After you.” 

After the stone door screeched shut behind them, it took a minute for Cullens eyes to adjust to the low light. The candle that Varric held was the only thing illuminating the passageway. Other than that it was pitch dark. “Where are we going Varric?” 

“Why anywhere we want! I’ve only used these passageways a couple times myself. It’s just a stroke of luck that I found the one that connects to your quarters.”

“Hardly.” Varric didn’t play in luck; it was all cool, calculated purpose. 

They walked down a few long corridors and a windy staircase. Cullen was trying to place exactly where they were in relation to where they had started. He knew every step of Skyhold, he had paced them all. But being in the dark with no significant landmarks was too disorienting. Cullen had no idea where they had gone, or where they would end up.

Varric broke the silence. “It’s good to finally get away from it all. Even if it’s just a stupid stroll through this dark cramped cavern.” 

Cullen nodded in agreement. He often forgot that Varric felt much of the same emotions. He was a trickster and a smooth-talker, but at his heart, Varric was just like anyone else. The Inquisition was tough on everyone, not just Cullen. They had both lost friends, family and now had to find a way to stop it all before it cost them everything.

Although, this whole war against Corypheus did lead to something good. He smiled over at Varric, the tender thought curled his lips. It had also been the Inquisition that turned an acquaintance from Kirkwall into something worth fighting for. 

Up until this point, Cullen was walking behind Varric, letting him lead the way. He stopped his dwarven friend by placing a hand on his shoulder. Varric stopped, turned around, and looked questioningly up at him. Cullen took his other hand and caressed his unkempt cheek. 

Cullen knew Varric was planning to quip something back at him, he could see it in those amber eyes of his. Before he gave Varric the chance, he bent over and kissed him, tenderly. He felt Varric return the gesture, putting a little more force behind those lips. 

As the kiss lingered, a cool rush of air ran down the hall. The meager light from the candle instantly blew out. They were left in utter and complete darkness. Cullen’s grasp and lips left his lover as he took a step back. Cullen wasn’t really afraid of the dark, per se, but there was something unsettling about it. He had gone on too many adventures to know that bad things happen in the dark. He didn’t like it, plus he was ready to move into less enclosed quarters for what he wanted to do next. 

Oh great.” Cullen muttered as he tried to adjust to the dark. “I can’t see anything Varric.” He put his hands out, groping for the wall, or Varric. 

“I know you can’t. Human’s have absolutely the worst eyesight. It’s a miracle your race has survived thus far.” Varric teased. Taking full advantage of his ability to see in no light, the storyteller maneuvered around Cullen and gave the commander’s butt a little squeeze. “You know, there are plenty of things we could do in the dark. We don’t need the light.” 

Cullen jumped slightly from being startled and ignored Varric’s advances. “Can we just find a way out?” Cullen continued to paw at the air. He was met with Varric’s hand, simply holding onto his own.

“Just let me lead.” Varric spoke, just the smallest hint of irritation crept into his voice. 

Cullen let Varric’s hand hold tightly to his own, intertwining their fingers together. He felt his heart beat a bit faster and a warmness filled his chest. 

They had only walked for a bit when a light ahead emanated from around a corner. They heard hushed voices soon after. As they approached the corner, the sounds became clearer. Both the voices were definitely male and they were....moaning?! Deep, passionate, wails of wanting. 

Turning the corner, Varric and Cullen approached the light source. There was a grate in the floor that peered into the kitchen. It was too late for the cooks or servants to be there now, and they wouldn’t start the breakfast preparations for hours. Who could possibly be in the kitchen, Cullen mused. 

The sounds got continually louder, and all too familiar, actually. Cullen focused on the grate. He could only see a small corner of the kitchen, the end of a preparation table, some food laid clumsily on it, and some shadows dancing against the wall.

“Oooohhh, yes, right there.” One of the men groaned. Apparently, ‘twas a midnight snack to fulfill a lustful late night appetite. 

“Not so fast.” Another gruff voice replied.

As Cullen listened intently, Varric chuckled quietly to himself. Varric had already solved the mystery of who was doing who in the kitchen.

Together, they both watched the next steps unfold. Through the gate, Cullen saw the shadows reveal themselves. Culled put a hand over his mouth to prevent a gasp from escaping. Iron Bull was leading a blindfolded Dorian towards the food prep table. Dorian’s eyes had been covered with a single red ribbon. Both men, were in fact, completely naked. Iron Bull’s hands grabbed onto Dorians shoulders as he lead him to table. He gently bended Dorian forward, his chest now laying on top the wooden table. 

By now, all vision of Dorian was completely covered by Iron Bull’s backside. Both dwarf and commander watched as Bull’s hips pumped back and forth, a hypnotizing rhythmic motion. And Dorian’s murmurs filled the room. 

Cullen could feel his excitement make his pants get a little tighter. While he never fancied Iron Bull, he did have to give credit where credit is due. That bum of his was perfectly fit and an ideal shape. Cullen couldn’t stop staring, lost in the spectacle before him. 

Varric tugged on Cullen’s sleeve, bringing him out of his trance. Cullen felt his cheeks flush violently. He hoped Varric hadn’t noticed how entranced he was. If he had, he gave no indication.

Varric once again took the lead and Cullen’s mind wandered. He realized how long it had really been since he shared Varric’s bed. Those long nights writing orders and worrying over the war table had taken it’s toll. It had left Cullen with a fierce craving that needed to be satiated. 

“Varric, lets get out of these damn passageways already.” Cullen said hastily, as he began to feel for the walls around him. “There had to be some way out.”

“Cullen, I haven’t explored this part yet. I don’t know how to get out from here.” Varric said honestly.

Cullen let go of Varric’s hand as he moved both palms to the wall. The ancient rocks were cool to the touch, and gritty on his fingertips. His hand grazed over the stone until he felt a wooden rod protruding from the wall. He tightly grasped onto it and pushed it down. 

Amazingly, an unlatching sound echoed down the hall, and a part of the wall opened up before them. it was slow and creaked loudly, like it had just been awoken from a hundred year nap. Cullen helped push the door open and made his way through the entrance. Varric followed him. 

They entered a beautifully decorated room, with high windows. The moonlight shone through the glass and illuminate everything within the room. Intricate designs and delicate touches were the staple on every piece of furniture and every hanging curtain. A canopy bed carved from old wood sat in the middle of it all. Even the window frames were pieces of art. The room was quiet save for a gentle wind wrapping at the glass. 

“Oh my.” Varric stood agast. “We have made it to our final destination, the Inquisitor’s room.” 

Cullen followed suit in being shocked. “Wait. What? How could this be?” Cullen’s mind raced as he started babbling.”If there are secret passageways that lead here, the inquisitor isn’t safe. We must prepare for more fortifications. Think of all the danger this puts her in” 

Varric grumbled as he called over to his worried companion. “Hey Curly, I have an idea.” 

Cullen turned to face the dwarf, brought out of his rant “Hm?”

“How about you shut up for a minute and fuck me?” 

Varric’s statement was so frank that Cullen just stood there, mouth agape. Sure, I mean, that was what he had wanted all along when they started this whole escapade. But now? Here in the Inquisitor’s private chambers? Was it the right time and place?

As if reading Cullen’s mind, Varric replied. “It’s going to be fine, Curly.” Varric began loosening his sash. “Listen. The Inquisitor is off closing rifts with Solas and Sera. There is no way she’d part with her elven friends, so let’s just enjoy this time together.” The sash fell to the floor and Varric slipped his red tunic over his head. “Where’s your sense of adventure? Does the risk not excite you? Not even a little bit?” Varric grinned that perfect grin of his. He stood there shirtless, his chest hair almost glistening, bathed in moonlight. 

Cullen felt his body respond instantly. His cloak slipped off his shoulders as he rushed over to Varric. He muted his mind. If only for this moment, he wouldn’t listen to it. It was his time now and he was going to get what he wanted. 

He leaned over, grasping Varric’s head in his hands. For only a moment his eyes eagerly took Varric in before kissing him passionately. The force of the kiss was so great, Varric actually stepped back. There lips danced together, each fighting for the lead. Varric’s rough hands found Cullen’s belt and began undoing it. 

They undressed each other clumsily, as their hands and mouths kept getting distracting. A brush against his cheek. Their bodies pressed up against one another. His mouth nibbling at the nape of his neck. It was a flurry of passion, lust, and decadence. 

Somehow they managed to drift across the room, a tangle of arms and legs and lips. They both ended up on the Inquisitor's bed. Silk sheets below them, luxurious hand sewn curtains above. Cullen held tightly onto Varric as they both fell onto a pile of feather pillows. His mouth moved from Varric’s as he began tasting the rest of his body. Traveling down his jawline, Cullen’s lips softly touched Varric’s skin. Tender, caring kisses. His voyage continued down Varric’s neck and shoulders, kisses turned into bites, caresses morphing into grabbing, Varric’s soft sighs lowering to grunts. 

“Maker’s breath...” A groan fell from Cullen’s mouth. “I need you.” 

“Then take me.” Was Varric’s whisper. 

It was an intricate dance from there. In one motion, Cullen hands and mouth worked in tandem. As Varric began to turn over, Cullen’s calloused hands found his hips. He laid kisses down his spine and positioned Varric precisely how he wanted him. 

It wasn’t long before Cullen found his rhythm. Their voices chorused together, haunting the night sky. Their bodies united, sticky sweat dripping down their legs. Both delighted themselves in carnal pleasure until Cullen felt himself let go. Cullen gave one last thrust, sung Varric’s praise, and then collapsed in a fit a passion. 

Breathing heavy, Cullen laid down next to Varric, and his dwarf snuggled up to him, placing his head on Cullen’s chest. He could hear his heart pound and listened to soft inhale and exhale of his breath. It was a serene moment, a blissful feeling. Nothing could take it from him, not his responsibilities, not the rifts, not the rebel gray wardens, not even Corypheus himself. Cullen finally could relax, and he let himself close his eyes. 

Not a second later, that his scoundrel was back. "I thought the Templars were known for their endurance. Did you lose that after you abandoned them. Or am I just too much dwarf to handle?" Varric ridiculed, as he lifted his head up to smirk at his commander.

Cullen let a calm chuckle escape his lips. Varric always liked teasing him after a good frolic between the sheets. "Indeed you are Varric. Your supple ass and your explorative mouth never cease to shock me." Cullen paused for a moment. "Though maybe next time we shouldn't do it on the inquisitor's bed when she's off closing rifts."

"It's not like the Inquisitor is due back any time soon." Varric quipped. "I already thought I explained this. She said she was going away for a fortnight." 

"Plans change Varric!" Cullen heard from outside the doors. He watched as the lock turned and the doors to the room slammed open. The Inquisitor, herself, stomped through, a look of complete and utter rage covering her face. 

In a rush, Varric grabbed one of the plush pillows on the bed and covered his girthy and long man bits. Cullen glanced over at his feathered robe, but it was on the other side of the room. Instead, he ended up using his own hands to cover himself. 

"I-Inquisitor!?" Cullen gasped. "It's so good to see you. Varric and I were just-"

Without a moment's hesitation, the Inquisitor’s eyes narrowed. "Get. Out." She growled as she drew her weapon and pointed it towards the naked men. 

"I have a very good reason for Cullen and I being in this current predicament, your lovely Inquisitorialness." Varric always had a way with words, but Cullen didn't think any tall tale could get them out of this mess. 

"NOW!" The Inquisitor's shouted, as the men quickly got up and shuffled out. 

As soon as they cleared the room, they heard the doors close and lock behind them. Varric still had his pillow, and Cullen, nothing. There was no way he could make back across Skyhold with nothing but his own hands to protect his manhood. He did the only thing he could do. He knocked on the door once. “Inquisitor? Can I at least get my cloak back.” 

“Not a chance! Do try to not embarrass yourself any further.” 

Every word was like a dagger through Cullen’s heart. This was madness. Cullen looked desperately down at Varric. “Give me the pillow, Varric.” 

Varric winked at Cullen. "Only if we can do that again tomorrow. "


End file.
